


Unforgiven

by MagicalPony2307



Category: Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-13 08:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18936904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalPony2307/pseuds/MagicalPony2307
Summary: Jack leaves instead of Abbie, and her past might be closer than it seems.(Abbie Carmichael and the lack of growth in the series)





	Unforgiven

**Author's Note:**

> This was written long ago and probably immaturely deals with themes beyond my understanding. Hope you treat it gently, hope I can fix and finish it.

Abbie Carmichael, with heavy, but fast paced steps approached her office, the one she dreaded having to enter, but had vowed not to leave until they had managed to convict the bastard that apparently thought it was acceptable to go around violating young university students, knowing that universities would do whatever it took for the news of rape on campus to go away.

This case would be difficult, she knew that from the moment Detective Benson had informed her of the circumstances under which they were called to investigate. But this was Abbie Carmichael and she wouldn't, couldn't allow another monster to go free, not after she knew what having your own personal bogeyman parading around campus would do to you. She could not allow her personal experience to cloud her judgement, if she needed to be harsh on the victims to achieve convictions that would put their monsters away she would; that was how she had gotten the reputation of being an ice queen. But this time, this hit a little too close to home, and she went a little bit too far with trying to be absolutely sure that it was indeed the truth during their mock testimony. In fact she had almost scared their victim out of testifying and outraged Liv. That was why she had vowed she would build a case so tight that the girl's testimony couldn't be challenged by the defense attorney.

It hadn't even been five minutes since she had started going over evidence when she heard a knock on her door. "Come in" she responded, not surprised when she saw Olivia at the other side. What was surprising however, was Olivia's expression. She'd expected anger and an immediate telling off but Olivia's face displayed no such thing. In fact the neutrality of it all was shocking, like nothing else was to be expected from her, like badgering victims was so ordinary by now, it was practically normal. "Hello detective, anything I could help you with?" she said, her words calculated, trying not to betray how the whole situation had affected her. "Not really, I just came to inform you that Miranda decided she does not want to testify unless it is vital to putting Anderson away." The bitter tone in her words was now evident. She knew that Liv blamed her for this, hell she really was to blame for this.

"Detective, I really am sorry if I crossed some lines back there, but you know as well as I do that the defense attorney is going to follow a much worse line of questioning and you also know that her testimony is crucial to putting that bastard away."

"No, counselor, you don't get to blame the victim just because the defense attorney is going to."

"Olivia I…"

"Look, I came here to ask you to talk to her, because, apparently she believes whatever you say. Even if I do not get that, the girl idolises you because of your good statistics in getting convictions. She is a law student who wants to be like you and you scared her out of testifying against her rapist, so I am here to make sure that you make that right."

"I will." Was all that she said before picking up her coat and phone, immediately arranging a victim with Miranda. She didn't want to let a serial rapist with only one victim half-willing to testify, go free. She would not let the girl down. She wouldn't.

Olivia was shocked to say the least. She had noticed that look of determination before, but had never paid attention to it. Only now had she wondered about whatever it was that seemed to make Abbie seem like the coldest person and the most compassionate one when it came to rape cases. She hadn't expected it to be that easy to get her to apologise and try to convince the girl to testify. She was ashamed to admit that she had expected Abbie to blame the victim and make some unacceptable comment about the way the victim was dressed or how she had carried herself, things she expected from rapists and child molesters. She was ashamed to realise that she held the young attorney to the same standards she held the filthiest of bastards she had ever met. But most of all she was relieved that the younger woman had proved, or was trying to prove that she was, in fact, not.

As she stood there staring at nothing in particular, lost in her thoughts, she heard the clicking of heels and a distant "Are you coming or not?" Her response was the almost mechanical spin on her heels and the fast pace she had eased herself to, catching up with the A.D.A.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2  
Abbie had done it. With Miranda's testimony and the evidence connecting all the crimes together she had managed to prove to the jury that Anderson, the defendant, was indeed guilty of four counts of rape in the first degree and he was to be sentenced a fifteen year imprisonment on each count, to be served consecutively. If it was up to her, the bastard would have had a needle and a cold grave in his future, but it wasn't.

She felt so relieved that he would no longer be able to ever lay a hand on another girl, she physically felt a weight lift off her shoulders when she heard the verdict. Then came the "Good job" and "Nicely done" comments and then the always politely declined invitation for drinks with the detectives. She needed some space and time to unwind. She had not slept well since the beginning of this trial, nightmares of what the consequences would have been had she failed to get a conviction plagued her dreams. Nightmares of him and all his bragging for getting into the pants of the hot freshman. Nightmares of how she had become the campus slut.

She hoped that at the end of this trial she would finally be able to put everything behind her and that this first case without McCoy would soon be forgotten, pushed in the neat little compartments of her brain so that she could finally move on. No such luck. As she was making her way towards her car, Olivia appeared next to her. "Hey, Abbie…" Good, Abbie thought, being called by her first name was a good sign with Olivia. "Yeah?"

"I just wanted to apologise."

She couldn't understand. "For what?"

"I misjudged you, but the way you fought in there…" Olivia didn't know where she was going with this, but the need to apologise and to understand the woman in front of her was overwhelming. Ever since her character judging skills had failed her with Abbie she wanted to know everything about the woman, about the mystery and sense of familiarity that surrounded her, the routine and unpredictability she was practically buried in.

"No, Olivia, I should be the one apologising. Really, I was terrible to that girl and…"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence, you just put her monster away, you just gave her, and three others a chance to continue with their lives without having to face him ever again." At that Abbie could no longer control her emotions as a single tear made its way down her cheek.

"I'm sorry, this case has been hard. I think I need to just sleep all this out", she said while wiping her tear with her hand. "And Liv…"

"Thank you" she added as she spun around got in her car and left.

Chapter 3: Chapter 3  
Their relationship was not as tumultuous ever since that day. Abbie had let her guard down a bit around victims. Allowing herself to actually search for similarities in order to come up with the best course of action. Up until he showed up it seemed to be working.

Adam called her in that day, they had finally found a good candidate for the spot that Jack had left open and he was announcing that to her today, just before he was to introduce them. "Abbie I would like to see you for a moment".

"I have found Jack's replacement." Not that she was complaining for actually being in charge regarding their cases but it would be good to have someone to share all the workload with finally. She took his gesture towards the chair as an invitation to sit and moments later she was thankful for taking it. She nodded, making Adam continue.

"He is a perfect match for this, and is quite young and connected", at that Abbie scoffed, another spoiled brat pushed through the ranks by his 'connections' as Adam had put it. "Now, his name is Thomas Williams…" At the mention of the name the world begun spinning. This couldn't be happening, this was not happening. She had changed cities, states to get away from that man. Her brain was screaming at her to tell him, TELL ADAM, but her mouth failed her and then it all got even worse.

"And I believe he is making his way towards us right now." At that everything froze. She could only hear her frenzied heart beat and the beginning of her fight or flight response kicking in. Suddenly she heard that. "Abbie Carmichael!" She heard the voice exclaim. "I can't believe it." She suddenly found herself in the arms of her monster and she couldn't react, it was like she had no control of what she did in his presence, like the 'lesson' as he had called it, he taught her, of what happened when she fought him, was still engraved into her mind.

She made some lame excuse and left, grateful for the lack of open cases and before she knew it, she found herself sat on a stool, drink in hand. She had not done that in ages. She was scared of what alcohol had transformed her into when she used it as a means to cope back then. She had never touched the damned thing since she found herself in bed with her best friend's boyfriend in one of the sex frenzies she had gone onto as an attempt to take back control of her body after he had taken it away from her. Yet here she was, intending to do the very same thing again.

"Hey", she heard, the voice momentarily pulling her away from her thoughts. God, she couldn't deal with this right now. "Hello detective", she replied hoping that her tone would push the detective away. But Olivia was persistent. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, I don't usually go out to drink" she replied, immediately regretting the information she had shared and her tone while doing so. The hurt look on Olivia's face was enough. "I'm sorry". The voice in her head kept telling her to tell Olivia, TELL HER, she was a cop for fuck's sake. If anyone could help it would be the compassionate detective, but she knew that she never would. She never told anyone other than Jack and she had done that only in a moment of weakness.

Olivia opted to continue trying to make small-talk with the brunette in hope of getting to truly know her. Little did she know that the matter she had opted to talk about was no small talk for the young woman in front of her. "Heard you found the attorney replacing Jack". Yes, we found my rapist who is now essentially my boss she wanted to scream. "Yeah"

"I also heard that Adam is quite smitten with him." Dammit, she hadn't thought of the possibility that in the case she did tell Adam he would not believe her. Even though part of her brain recognised that this was not true and never would be, the part of the brain controlling her right now was not a very logical one.

A hand appeared on Olivia's shoulder and a smiling Fin made his way behind it. "Hey Liv, Abbie, care to join us?" He pointed to the group sitting a few tables over. Abbie hadn't noticed them. But of course she should have, Olivia was not a loser like herself, going out to drink herself until she passed out alone. "Actually I was going to head home, you go have fun. See you on Monday, if we don't have any cases" she said in a tone that left no room for even attempting to change her mind. "Amen to that" said Tutuola, followed by their goodbyes and she left.

Well at least they had saved her from the risk she was putting herself in of reverting to her old ways, even if it was for one night and for all the wrong reasons she thought as she made her way home.

She checked a total of seven times if her door was locked and slept with her, licenced, firearm in hand. She hadn't done that in years.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4  
They were working late. They were alone in the office and had ordered food in for them. She was scared out of her mind and the bastard took advantage of that, glancing her way so long it would make her uncomfortable, accidental touches and flirtatious comments. To an outsider it would seem like just that, good intentioned flirting, and while inappropriate for the two of them, not uncommon in that office.

She was petrified. If she could physically disappear she would and she would easily take a mindless nonexistence over this. She could always leave, but she wanted to put a child molester away, more than she wanted to disappear.

Then he started outright taunting her, he walked closer to her and she backed away until she felt herself hitting the bookshelf. She was trapped as he leaned in and whispered in her hair "I still remember how fiery you where that night." These made her crawl further into her skin, as she begged her body for a reaction. Thankfully her hands seemed to listen to her and she pushed him away, even if it was for just a moment she thought she could actually get out of there. "I thought we went over what happens when you push me away" he said maliciously while he regained his balance and retaliated with a hard shove of his own. Only Abbie was not able to do so when she felt him pressed against her, holding her hands above her head with one arm and roaming her body with the other.

He stopped and leaned towards her neck, inhaling deeply. "I see you still smell of lavender" he mused and she cringed. She considered screaming but she knew there was no use, she unwillingly whimpered as she tried to wriggle out of his grasp. Just as she felt his lips on her pulse point, a gesture bringing back dreadful memories, she heard a knock and saw the handle turning and exhaled in relief when she saw who was at the other end and felt the absence of his touch.

"I'm so sorry…" the detective started to say but stopped when the older attorney stormed out of the room, almost pushing her on his way out. She saw the look of relief and terror on Abbie's face and put them into context and she acted immediately. "Abbie what's going on?" She demanded to know, as concern was now taking over. What she had witnessed was harassment, if not assault and she needed to know how to proceed but before she could finish her thought, she saw Abbie's knees buckle and sprung to action. She was able to stop the fall, but the taller woman was not easy to handle unprepared, so she settled for positioning them both on the floor.

Abbie immediately tried to get up while muttering something along the lines of "I'm ok", but Olivia was having none of it. "Stay down" she commanded the stubborn counselor and the look she received in return was one that would haunt her. Abbie was crying, she had never seen her cry, not like that, and she sure as hell would try to make sure that it was not going to happen again. Abbie's sobs were getting louder and she slowly pulled her towards herself. That bastard was gone for now. She would take care of him later, but right now she needed to comfort the brunette in front of her.

Soon after she begun to make out words. Abbie was saying something. She was not sure she had heard right. Something about her not being able to go through this again. Again? The puzzle pieces now seemed to fit and she started to make sense of it all. "Abbie" she spoke quietly, as not to scare the woman she was holding, "Abbie can you tell me what he did to you?"

Chapter 5: Chapter 5  
\--------  
Had she pushed too much?

Had the detective taken over her head at a moment she needed to be the friend?

Had she been so incapable of finding out what people needed, was she so wrong?

What was she expecting? Was she expecting the woman to just blurt everything out?

Had

She

Pushed

Too

Much?

The words took over her mind, always there, always making themselves present.

Clearly something had happened between this "Thomas Williams" guy, and Abbie, well she had witnessed that much. And she certainly blamed herself for not noticing earlier. She had just assumed that people working against monsters were never monsters themselves, until she was bitterly reminded of the thin line between chasing the beasts and becoming them.

Abbie was certainly not ready to talk about whatever had happened, that much became obvious when she went back to her icy demeanour, wiped her tears as best as she could, and just stood up, her hands around herself, and left. No explanation, no excuse.

Olivia had been so shocked she had failed to see right away that the look Abbie had was way too familiar. But as her mind kept going back to the whole situation, the more recognisable the look became. Abbie used that cold, distant look exactly because it was cold and distant. She had used it with Miranda and countless other cases, cases she wanted to distance herself from. When her warm chocolate eyes became icy, and her features hardened, Olivia realised, she was putting up walls to protect herself. And when the realisation came, she let out an audible gasp.

"Everything okay there Liv?" No everything was not okay. Their A.D.A., the one most people thought was a bitch, was clearly suffering and would not let anyone help her, she thought as she nodded. "Yeah, everything's okay" she replied. If Elliot hadn't bought the lie, he didn't show it. "Did you ask Abbie about that subpoena last night?"

Shit. With all that happened she'd forgotten about that.

"I'm on it now." And with that she turned and left a curious Elliot behind.

Abbie had been locked up in her office since long before anyone had arrived in theirs. When the knock on the door came, always professional she answered "Come in."

When Olivia came in, she could see right away, by the wrinkles in Abbie's suit, almost mimicked by her expression, she was utterly exhausted. She was avoiding eye contact, and fidgeting with her pen. Abbie Carmichael did not fidget. No, she was not ready to talk.

"Hello, detective" she said with the most neutral tone she could muster. "You wanted something?" She wanted something last night, Abbie thought, that was shy she was there. Whatever the circumstances she shouldn't have left like that. Before Abbie could finish that thought, Olivia snapped out of her own head and answered her.

"Yeah, the warrant for the Wilkins case?"

"Oh, yeah, that, go ahead, Judge Petrovsky gave us the okay."

"Abbie?"

"Is there anything else? Detective?" She said that in hopes of discouraging Olivia, no such luck.

"Actually yes." Olivia took a deep breath, hoping she was not going to regret this later.

"I know you are not ready to talk, but… I just wanted you to know that whatever last night was, whatever happened between you and him in the past, you can't keep in it forever. Just, know that when you are ready you can come to me and we can decide on how to proceed." Olivia hoped that she had really gotten through to Abbie. As she closed the door while making her way out, she almost didn't hear the "thank you" that the Attorney had muttered.

Chapter 6: Chapter 6  
She was up and running, literally, the sun had yet to grace her with its presence. Yet there she was, in the fucking cold weather of New York, which was so different to that of her home state.

Running gave her the kind of serenity she couldn't put to words, she was mimicking what her instinct had told her to do, she was running, and although she wasn't really leaving, or letting go, at least for the duration of that burning sensation taking over her every thought, she was okay. Everything was going to be okay.

She reached a point where she could not run any more, her aching muscles slowing her down, to a fast paced walk. She was less than two blocks away from her apartment, and she was thankful for the emptiness of the streets. She breathed in, and it was like the oxygen that filled her lungs was all that mattered.

She had decided that he could no longer hurt her, she would not let him hurt her. She was no longer a young, scared shitless freshman. She was this badass prosecutor, she faced monsters far worse than him every day, she made people cry on the stand. She decided that she was not going to live in fear. She would finally face him. Well not in court, although rape in the first degree has no statute of limitations, she was sure the lack of physical evidence would make it turn into a "he said, she said" situation. She also knew that her reputation, especially after the event, would not help very much in her case.

She would, however, make sure that, if and when he tried anything again, she would repost it right away. That, after all, was the wisest thing to do. She absolutely could not afford having him place his despicable hands on any other person. She shivered at the thought.

What if she hadn't been the last?

What if there were others?

What if by not reporting him he had gotten to other girls?

What if she had allowed him to make others his pray?

The blizzard of thoughts travelling through her head was causing an overwhelming feeling. She couldn't face her thoughts alone. She could not face that she might have been as much of the villain in other women's lives by not putting an end to it, as he was. She had a way to at least attempt to prevent this predator from victimising others and she had taken the cowardly way out.

The thoughts were suffocating her. And the one that surprised her the most, was her obscure belief that a certain detective could help her if she asked her to. A completely illogical belief that Olivia would be true to her word and help her, despite the fact that she hadn't been the easiest person to work with and had personally offended the detective and judged her modus operandi more than once.

"Liv," her gravelly voice nearly whispered into the phone, once it was no longer considered an ungodly hour, "I need to talk to you".

The eagerness in the voice of the detective did not go undetected and was greatly appreciated. In fact, Abbie was grateful that the detective thought her worthy enough to even pick up the phone. "Yeah," she said. "I'll meet you there in thirty."

Chapter 7: Chapter 7

The little café they were supposed to meet at was, for the most part empty. Abbie was thankful for that, as she wasn't a big fan of crowds in situations like that. She spotted the brunette, at the very corner of the room, her back turned towards her.

Olivia had done that on purpose, the table there would give the person sitting in the corner full visibility of the room, and the one opposite them, none. By giving Abbie that place, she gave the younger woman a sense of control, and if anything, her job had taught her that everyone wanted some sense of control and privacy. She smiled as the attorney slid into her chair, coffee in hand. She tried to put everything in words, but her brain kept failing her. Eventually a dry laugh escaped her at how bizarre her situation was. Was she losing her freaking mind? How could she possibly say all that, actually put it in words and say it out loud? The only person she told, she hadn't actually put it in words for him.

Olivia sat there, intently studying the Texan, trying to decipher her thoughts. What was going on in her mind?

Abbie eventually coughed, clearing her throat and begun "The other night, you asked me a question."

She took a deep breath and with a false bravado and an adamant avoidance of eye contact she said "You know the Miranda Winston case? What you said to me outside court?" The younger woman begun fiddling with her hands again, focusing on that small scar on the inside of her palm that Olivia had assumed was the remnant of a childhood memory. That was not a good sign, it was a sign of nervousness and Abbie Carmichael didn't do nervous.

"About them not having to face their monster again." Olivia said, egging her on.

"Yeah. Do you think that if we hadn't caught him, he would have continued? I mean, do you think he would do that to other women?" Olivia didn't know how that related to Abbie, but she knew she was treading in dangerous waters. The woman across her was obviously vulnerable and scared enough to reach out for help. Experience had taught her that for Abbie to reach out like that, there usually was a pretty good reason.

"Well every perp we encounter is different, but Anderson, I don't think he'd ever stop." Abbie nodded in response. She made her mind. If anything she would at least try to stop the bastard before he got the chance to further expand his list of victims.

"When I was a freshman, I was asked on a date by this popular third year law student. He was older and seemed kind, so I said yes." This time she had to say the words.

"When we came back, he asked if he could use the bathroom, and naïve that I was I let him." Her voice was now becoming unstable, and the gentle movement over the small scar had switched to scratching. Olivia noticed, she would ask about it later, but now she focused on what Abbie needed, so she took her hand in hers, halting the distractive motion and offering some comfort.

"I… He… He." Her voice failed her, she coughed and recomposed herself, straightened her jacket and steadied her gaze.

Olivia knew where this was going, she also knew that the distraught woman could not possibly form the words. She wanted to reassure her, tell her that it was all going to be ok, but she had worked in that damned place long enough to know that this was not always true. Before she find a way to somehow express all that, the younger woman had somehow mustered the courage to continue.

"He raped me." There, she said it.

And it was only when she said it out loud, for the first time ever, that she realised that this was truly not her fault.

"Thomas Williams raped me."

That sentence wreaked havoc in the detective's head. First there was this anger, and the absolute need to put a bullet through the bastard's head, then there was this almost compulsion to protect Abbie, followed by the need to comfort her. She wanted to hug the woman in front of her, be compassionate, like she had been for countless others. She had done this too long to make that mistake with Abbie. Abbie was eerily still, if not for the slight trembling of her hand, and the bite of her lip. Olivia knew then that the attorney was struggling to hold it all in, and she could tell that the A.D.A. was feeling uncomfortable. So she suggested that they move somewhere more private to discuss what they thought should be done. She saw Abbie nod in response and they silently made their way out.

Chapter 8: Chapter 8  
Abbie for her part, was sick of crying. In fact, she was pretty sure that she had cried more these last days, than she ever had. After that uncomfortable, yet strangely cathartic talk with Liv, they came up with a plan.

They would be there. They would be watching. And if that bastard were to ever make advances on her or any of her co-workers, she would report him herself. He had gotten away with it once, and she sure as hell wasn't going to let him pull that off again.

Now all she had to do was stop this effect he seemed to have on her every time he waltzed into her office, the erratic breathing, the heartbeat that was off the roof, and most of all the slight stutter. She wanted him to know that she was not scared of him, in truth she was petrified, but admitting that would surely mean that he won. And she wouldn't let him.

Liv knew that for now there was nothing she could do. Not even when she had been a witness to what he'd done a few nights ago. He was known to be able to present his cases how he saw fit and this was no exception. They couldn't risk it.

More and more cases were piling up, Abbie spent increasing amounts of time in her office, locked up inside, meticulously working, so that the defence would truly have no chance of winning. It was a little after four in the afternoon when she'd noticed it. She'd gone for what felt like 100th cup of coffee, when she felt two pairs of eyes staring at her. And the silence that followed her entrance in the room, the slight avoidance of eye contact with the young secretaries. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she was sure that that was not a good sign. She pushed it to the back of her mind, not wanting to be overly suspicious and made her way back to her office.

Then there was the knock on the door, and since she's picked up the habit of actually locking her door, she went up to let the apparently impatient person in. Williams was at the door, with an urgency to discuss their tactics on the stand for their next court appearance.

"There he goes again", she heard one of the secretaries, Ellie, not so successfully whisper.

So that's what it was about. Rumours didn't need much to start in that place, and her strange demeanour and avoidance of "Tom" as he liked to be called, didn't help. Frankly, she couldn't care less about the rumours. She'd been there before, with Jack. He was known for his wondering eye, she was the bitch that wouldn't give in. Although reality couldn't be further away from that, the whispers continued.

"…we do?" She'd only caught the last part of his sentence. "I'm sorry, ah, yeah. The Dixon case."

She took a deep breath, and went back to the door he had closed behind him and opened it. "Det. Benson said that he became rattled when they used the children's names in interrogation."

"So the dirt bag thinks it's ok to molest a child, as long as he doesn't see them as people." It took all she had not to snort at the irony. A rapist, her rapist, was calling someone else a dirt bag?

"Then we use this to our advantage. Make the kids human, so he gets upset and slips up." At that he nodded. Then she could see a familiar look make its way onto his face. She recognised it as the "shy" look he had on when he'd asked her out. If only she'd known better.

"Listen, uhm" he said trying to compose himself. "About the other night" That was it for Abbie. "Out. Now. Get out." Her voice gravelly and threatening. She wasn't going to stand there and let him ruin all the progress she'd made. The nerve he had, bringing it up as if it was a simple mistake, as if it was going to be followed by an "I'm sorry I broke your mug, I'll get you another one". "Get out" this time it was louder and when it became obvious to him that there were other people there, and this time he wouldn't have the upper hand, he left.

The encounter had left her longing for a shower, in fact, all encounters with him made her feel dirty, used. No stranger to that feeling, she sat back in her chair, continuing her work, with slightly laboured breathing. Other than that, she was fine, she had to be. Or so she thought, when she'd realised that she was gripping on the edge of her desk so hard her knuckles were turning white.

That was when the phone rang, and the welcome voice of Olivia filled her ears. The detective had grown concerned for the younger woman's wellbeing, it had become an unspoken rule that she would call to check up on her, every day. As soon as she heard the slightly laboured breathing at the other end of the line that concern grew tenfold.

"Abbie, are you ok?"

"Yeah, yes, I'm fine" Abbie hurried to reassure the woman she had begun to think of as a friend. "He, uhm, he just left" and when she heard the detective draw in a deep breath herself she added "He was here about the Dixon case, then I practically kicked him out." Then she heard the exhale. "Good". "You know I'm here if you'd like to talk right?" This had become a regular part of their conversations. "Thank you", Abbie replied before ending the call.

She was grateful, more than she could ever admit, but right now, what she wanted was to go home and sleep, these days that seemed to be all she could really think of.

Olivia, in the 16th precinct, was thankful that for once there were no new cases and would actually get to go home at a reasonable time. She longed to hear the deep voice of the brunette once again. "What is wrong with you Benson? You just spoke to her. She's fine." And although she knew that it was not true, she attributed the need to constantly be around Abbie, to the fact that it was in her nature to be protective of those around her.

She picked up her keys and jacket, and left for her date with her bathtub.

Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Abbie was tired. She had stayed up, going over the case "just one more time" until she could be positive that they would nail Dixon. She would hate to see that animal walk away, and with the lack of physical evidence they seemed to have, and the unwillingness of the victims, and their mothers, to testify, she was not feeling too confident. She couldn't blame them. She had been a grown woman and she was petrified. To put children at such a young age on the stand, would have been very traumatising, cruel even. But with the right words, she would get him to admit to his crimes on the stand, and if she failed, she could at least hope that the jurors would still see through his nice guy façade.

But she was tired. She was still at the office, late, again. She could still hear people outside, and relief washed over her. At least for now, she knew he wouldn't try anything. She closed the file she'd been holding, neatly putting it at the edge of her desk, and got up, ready to leave.

She made her way to the elevator, politely nodding goodnight to the personnel still there, when she heard a pair of heels fall into the same rhythm as hers. She figured if she ignored whoever it was they would pace quietly next to her, and would not engage in conversation. A nod of acknowledgement and an avoidance of a verbal response seemed to be her course of action. Turning around, she merely caught a glimpse of red hair, when the shrill voice invaded her ears. "Going home already?" the redhead joked, or attempted to do so. The brunette smiled, but didn't give much of a response. Ellie seemed to take that as an invitation to continue.

"So Williams huh?" That seemed to take Abbie by surprise, but she tried her best to answer nonchalantly "What about him?" The redhead was observing Abbie, as if looking for a clue, something that would give away what was going on behind the brunette's ice cold features. She had never seen the brunette without the permanent hardened look, and Ellie had assumed that the brunette had been incapable of being anything other than cold. She just couldn't help but wonder what the obviously hot new attorney found in her.

"He seems interested in you, you know. Has been asking questions." As far as she knew, he wasn't interested in her, so she tried to help the guy out, with the possibility that after he'd be inevitably turned down he would be more open to other women's advances. "Yeah?" the brunette asked, all the chances of sticking to her old plan abandoned at the mention of his name.

"What kind of questions?" Was Abbie Carmichael showing an interest in any penis-bearing person in their office? Was she not as homosexual as she had suspected? Man this was better than anything she could have hoped for (A/N I do not mean any offense by that. You are free to interpret it any way you want to, I just thought it sounded funny as a phrase). The younger woman was so excited with her discovery she failed to notice the angered and slightly panicked look on Abbie's face. "Whether you are in a relationship, what kind of men you are interested in, you know, just, stuff someone would ask when thinking of asking you out…"

He was doing it again. The bastard was doing it again. He was letting people know he was interested in her, making it the number one subject of discussion. He had done that before. Once people felt that there was a genuine interest for her, they would be less likely to believe that he was capable of anything but affection, more accepting towards the amount of time he spent with her, in some cases even encouraging, as some were so desperate for anything to focus on other than their own miserable lives. She run her fingers over the scar in the middle of her palm again, repeatedly scratching it. She noticed she'd been doing that a lot lately, so it permanently looked red and ugly.

Thankfully the "ding" sound alerting them that they had reached their destination echoed in the now silent elevator, and Abbie politely said a fleeting goodbye and left, as fast as she could, with only one thought conquering her mind. He's not getting away with it this time. She would do whatever it took to get out of that situation.

Well not everything.

She was sure that her sexuality becoming known would definitely kill the rumours, but she wasn't sure she was ready for the scrutiny that that would bring. Sure they could not fire her, but then every case she tried that had the faintest of ties with the LGBTQ+ community would be questioned, she would be seen as a crusader, which could be against her in the courtroom. Victims didn't need that. They were better off with a seemingly conformist, respected prosecutor.

Nevertheless she knew she could find something, she always did.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10

This chapter is a bit pointless and disturbing so feel free to skip it, I just wrote it to show continuity because I don't like it when stories jump from point to point.

Thank you.

He's on top of her, inside her.

He's saying something but her heart pounding is louder than his words. The sickening sound their bodies make is louder than any other sound.

Then it's quiet. Too quiet.

He's still.

She's trying to fight him off.

He's shouting something. He's always shouting something.

"You bitch, I'm gonna teach you to push me away again."

His voice is threatening. And then she sees it.

She whimpers and moves around the best she can, but before she has the time to move her hand from his vice grip. She feels the pain shooting through her open palm. And then she sees the pen piercing through her hand.

She screams but she knows it's no use. She screams but she knows nobody can hear her. Not with the party still going on downstairs.

She screams.

And he laughs.

She woke up in cold sweat.

Again.

He was haunting her dreams again. She had made so much progress over the years. So much.

She didn't have to think of him every day and night. Sure in her line of work, some bastard or other would remind her of him. Their delight in other people's pain. The glim in their eyes when they got to see their victims or their loved ones break down on the stand. The victorious look of those few narcissists when they had gotten to tell their stories.

She had made enough progress that she managed to stare in the face of evil, shout at it, and not get nightmares about what happened to her. However overwhelming the similarities.

And then he waltzes in there, and ruins it for her.

Now she had to watch the man that had ruined her life make his way around the office. She had to go to him when he called. She had to work for him, and the fear, sometimes the fear was all there was, and she doubted there would ever be anything else.

And then a certain detective popped into her mind.

She certainly was something. But she knew her. She knew more than anyone had ever known about Abbie and that would certainly mean that she was disgusted. Not with the fact that she was raped. Olivia knew that it wasn't her fault, but she would certainly be disgusted with a coward. She had done nothing but cry, drink and destroy her own life and she hated herself for that. How could she expect Olivia to accept and understand her, when she herself couldn't?

Besides for all she knew the detective was never interested in women.

She shook her head.

05:04

She might as well shower and get started with her day. She wouldn't be able to get any sleep even if she tried.

She would meet with Dixon again today. Try to make a deal. Or more accurately, try once again to get him to plead guilty.

No deal for these motherfuckers. If it was up to her he would be killed for taking away the innocence of children. But it wasn't. So she was going to do her best.

In apartment 4D, Olivia Benson was asleep. In her line of work, with all she had witnessed, not having nightmares would be an outlier. Tonight, however, Olivia was not, in fact having a nightmare.

She seldom dreamt. And when she did it normally involved a detail from a case. The shape that the coffee cup left on her notes, a rapist's mole, the look in their eyes when they'd been taken down.

Tonight was different. She dreamt of Abbie.

Somehow the brunette invaded the detective's dreams and refused to leave. Olivia dreamt of Abbie, of how she must have been before that monster met her. She dreamt of the smile she once saw her wear, and how that would have been a more common occurrence. She dreamt that she had caused that smile.

If the detective were awake she would have questioned it. She would have attributed her need to see that smile, to cherish it, to her maternal side, to her need to protect. She would have failed to see the admiration she had for the woman behind the smile, she would have ignored it. She wouldn't let herself succumb to her feelings and admit that this need to protect Abbie was more urgent than the need to protect a friend, it was even more urgent than the promise to protect a partner.

Later that day, the detective would forget the dream, but she would not forget the warm feeling Abbie's presence gave her, and she would not forget the promise that she made herself. The promise to put the bastard away for good, and put a smile on Abbie's face again.


End file.
